They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
