I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
