How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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