All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
