we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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