im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
