Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
