I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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