I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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