Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
