ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
