If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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