There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
