thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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