Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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