I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
