I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
