put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
