i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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