I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
