I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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