Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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