Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
