I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
