Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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