The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
