If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
