roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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