just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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