I can text with my tongue
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
