I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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