Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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