hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
