You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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