he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
