The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
