you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
