to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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