im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
