the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
