you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
