is your mom at the bar?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
