my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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