Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
