I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Someone signed my nipple.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
