woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
