If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
