Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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