if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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