1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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