I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
