girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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