Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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