this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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