he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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