well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
