We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
