I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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